I ride 'em strong But this ole road, Lord, is getting long Lonely, tough and sometimes Hard to bear * I know I'm called I won't back down Though I may wind up in the ground I won't give up until they know You care * Lord, give this biker Strength I pray To face whatever comes my way And wisdom as I walk Through Satan's lair * Then, when at last My job is done And when You take this biker home I'll thank You cause You heard This biker's prayer
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy She'll beat you if she's able. You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet. Now it seems to me, some fine things Have been laid upon your table. But you only want the ones That you can't get.
Ahhh...Music.... its one of my greatest joys in life.... good old fashioned classic Rock.... I love listening to songs with good Lyrics ... i dont really hear music as am a bit tone deaf ...hehe. Sometimes i find myself drawing parallels between what i'm going through in life and particular songs. Right now i'm rather particular to 'Desperado' by The Eagles (1973) as the lyrics just struck a chord (pardon the pun ! )hehe with certain aspects of my life....
Now it don't mean you re weak if you turn the other cheek.
I hope you re old enough to understand:
Son, you don't have to fight to be a man.
These lyrics by Kenny Rogers were repeated to me by my father after coming home from school after yet another fight. Hehe he could never understand why I used to get into these fights... why i couldn't just walk away. The truth was dat d first couple of years in junior lyceum i was bullied...i was bullied on a daily basis. Why ? boq...i dunno... i was good in school i guess ... and i was a bit fat... and i was a loner so i guess dat singled me out as being 'different' and an easy prey. Those 2 years were hell i guess ... everyday living in fear and wondering if I'd be beaten up again uselessly, senselessly and without a reason . I never told my parents this....and it drove me deeper into myself... books being my only friends and companions... My parents had a hard time understanding why and how i was becoming ever more sullen and silent and alone.
Then something in me snapped... it happened during break time in the beginning of my third year. I was surrounded by almost d whole class again ! ....left in d middle, being pushed around by the class bully whilst the others jeered and laughed and pushed back. And 2 years of silent rage pent up inside me let loose in a single punch dat floored d bully with a broken jaw. That did it for me ... wit that single punch something was unleashed in me... i no longer fought cause i was oppressed. I fought cause i was challenged by an increasing number of bullies who wanted to measure themselves up against me... i was gaining something of a reputation... i gained a nickname too... something that stuck with me till d end of Junior college...some 5 years... I also developed a deep and passionate hatred towards all forms of bullying.... often beating d hell out of anyone i caught bullying anyone smaller then themselves.
Anyway....in Junior college i met a guy who introduced me to the discipline of martial arts. He taught me to control myself, suppress the anger and rage inside, only to be unleashed when necessary. Himself being a loner we quickly and firmly established a friendship which is still going strong to this very day.
What inspired me to write this post ? well... an incident happened a week or so ago where after almost 7 years i had to intervene in a fight and something almost triggered the rage inside me to surface. I was out wit some friends at a nightclub after a decent meal and drinks and playing pool. And one of my friends was a bit drunk and threw up in d club's toilets and was shown out by the bouncers there. Being a bit tipsy he goaded the bouncers who very unprofessionally went for him and started beating him up.... naturally i couldn't let that happen so i intervened and pulled two bouncers off .... my friend struck one of d bouncers and took off like a hare down d road followed by 3 or 4 bouncers in hot pursuit.... my friend's girlfriend in d meantime having heard d commotion came running out of d club after her bf.... whereas she was struck by one of d bouncers and sent flying ... the bouncer made as if to go after her again and dat was it.... i snapped.... in two strides i was in between them and in d bouncer's face who went berserk and started throwing punches. It took all of my self control to restrict myself to just blocking and locking and didn't start gthrowing punches myself, which was a good thing as i quickly found myself surrounded by the other 3 bouncers. luckily i came away from that fight without a scratch on me but it could have turned very ugly indeed had i lost control and started fighting. So Dad in a way i did keep my promise....i didnt fight... but hell if i see someone strike a woman ? ...all bets are off and d gloves come off...
I promised you, dad, not to do the things you've done. I'll walk away from trouble when I can. Now please dont think I'm weak, I didn't turn the other cheek, papa, I sure hope you understand: Sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man
Artist: Rogers Kenny Song: Coward of the County Album: 20 Golden Greats
My life lately has been revolving around my work. Whilst it is challenging it seems to be eating up a lot of my time, sapping my energy in d process. I'm spending more and more hours there at work which doesnt really leave me a lot of time to do anything else. My social life has become practically non existant, my recreation limited to d weekend runs on my bike or d one volleyball session i manage to cram in a week..... Having been a guy who used to enjoy being active in a whole lot of different activities on a weekly basis its starting to get to me this feeling of living only for work.
I feel as if i've fallen into a routine; a routine which has taken over my very existance and dat somehow i just cant break free. At times it feels as if i'm just existing ....and not living. I've had to sacrifice a lot to get to where i am now in life and looking back i often find myself asking ,"Is it worth it?" Is this realy wat i wanted ? To be so career focused that everything else becomes second rate ? Even possibly insignificant ? Giving up quality time with my family, giving up martial arts, giving up my friends, hell i even had to choose between someone i really cared about and my career ! I once read that its lonely on d way to the top....heck if thats true and i havent even really begun climbing the corporate ladder then i dont really wanna think about wats it like at d top !
D only time i'm fee;ling as if i'm alive is when i'm going flat out on my bike. My mate Nick said that though i'm a really good rider i've started taking unneccessary risks and perhaps am getting a bit too cocky on d bike. Whilst i trust his judgement seeing as he's one of d best riders on d island, i've started to think that perhaps d reason i am subconsciously taking all these risks is to get that adrenaline rush that only comes with laying ur life on d line. I know this may sound really foolhardy and idiotic....and it probably is but right now its d only thing dats getting my heart beatng faster. Hehe ..well that and a certain someone... someone who probably doesnt even realise d effect she has one me ;)
I dont want anyone reading this thinking i have a deathwish or something.... but its just that sometimes its dat little bit of excitement which keeps us going when everything seems so dark. Everyone has them ... these little vices they look forward to...like dat cigarette smoked in between coffee breaks, or the alcohol binge in d weekend....or d drugs injected in their bodies... Me ? i dont smoke, i dont drink, ...at least not toooo much ;), and i dont do drugs....
My addiction ? Its speed...and laying my life on d line ...its an addiction which shows no sign of abetting...
Last Wednesday i had the opportunity to go up to Gozo for a day with my mate Marco. We took the bikes up and since both of our bikes are trail bikes we stuck to country roads and B-roads. I must confess that i get completely lost as soon as i step off the ferry hehe but luckily Marco knew Gozo like the back of his hand and was able to show me a couple of sites i had never seen before. Wish i knew were they were though hehe but am sure i'd manage to find them again :)
The bikes performed brilliantly though it was a bit too windy for my taste. I've only been riding for around 6 months now and though am a fairly good rider there were a couple of sections i was pretty damn well scared shitless ! Anyway it was damn good to be out in the country, away from the hassle and stress of work. And to be doing it in the middle of the week made it even more satisfying !
All in all it was a very enjoyable day and very welcome it was to though it has made me restless and all week all i could think of was getting back on d bike ! :)
To be alone is to be different, to be different is to be alone.
Suzanne Gordon, Lonely in America, 1976
Some people ask me how come i spend a lot of my time alone. The honest truth is that sometimes i prefer to be alone ....to spend time alone for me means that i have time to collect my thoughts, assess my life and plan ahead for my future....
I've spent a lot of my growing years locked up in my room reading and immersing myself in books so to me spending some quality time wit myself comes natural. Sometimes i used to live in my fantasy world.
Hehe though i must say that even though i'm a loner i do seek out and enjoy the company of others and i have a multitude of friends i turn to when i want to have a good time. (Duality in this too ! :) )
Ok, today's post is about an aspect of my nature my dad calls d "Broken-wing syndrome"...
He first coined this phrase after i had introduced yet another gf with a troubled background... hehe he even asked me when i would quit falling for the 'wrong' type of girls and find me a 'normal' girl.
Hehe ok guess i'd better explain myself a bit better.... almost all d girls i dated (bar a couple ! ;) ) all had a problem or other.... something which i felt i could help them with or at least i tried... e.g. one of them had a drug problem, one was mentally ill, one had low self esteem, another came from a broken family, another suffered from chronic depression, another was in a broken marriage...u get d picture ? ...somehow i dont know how i always end up attracting these kind of girls.... and d story is always d same.... we date... she starts to get better... i lose interest... story of my life.
Its as if i have a need to be 'needed' ...i need to help someone... help them get better... once they do i guess that need in me is no longer fulfilled and i move on to d next one... in a way i guess my dad was right.... i do need to start looking for a 'normal' girl but the thing is when i dated someone who didnt 'need' me .... i felt out of my league....inadequate.... like a part of me was missing... like somehow it wasnt what i was meant to be doing.... much as i tried and worked hard at d relationship it just fell apart....
i dont know if this is making sense or not.... guess not...but its something i never truly understood or talked to anyone about.... its just another crazy aspect of my nature i guess .... hehe and its not something i can control... hehe guess wat made me write this post is d fact that i can feel the familiar feeling again today .... somewhere out there there's a soul waiting to be protected and kept safe....at least till its wings are healed and it can soar again...
Update - 09-08-10
Its been a while since i updated this blog ...been too busy with new job (actually changed two jobs since my last post !! :) ) I thought i would make a comeback and update one of the most popular posts on my blog.
Ever since i wrote this post i've had numerous emails from all over the planet of people who have the same issue as me. During the past year i've had several other 'broken wings' present themselves at my door. I attract these people on a sub-conscious level. I could be in a crowd full of people and i'd end up attracted to the cute girl with a 'Broken wing' of some kind, some large, some small that always comes out days even weeks in the relationship.
Lately i've started to notice that i'm actively seeking these people up. This is where the problem starts getting serious. I've given up a chance with an altogether beautiful, healthy, intelligent red head in pursuit of yet another broken wing ! :( ...yep u guessed it ... i felt inadequate in the red head's prsence. I actually had her lying in my arms wanting to be kissed ...and i choked !!! :(
Anyway i guess what i'm trying to say is that this problem has grown a bit out of control and i need to do something about it ! ... i'm quit trying to take care of all the Broken wings ... i'm taking back control of my life and finding me someone who actually respects me for who i am, whom i can respect for whom she is and not for watever broken wings she may be hiding.
Thats all for now people ... i'll let you know how i get on ! :)
Take these broken wings
And learn to fly again, learn to live free
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up and let us in
Take these broken wings...
....
Baby, I think tonight
We can take what is wrong and make it right
Baby, it's all I know
That you're half of the flesh and blood that makes me whole
Ok, that must be the most the over-used and corniest slogan ever to be assosciated with Bikers... It was adopted by Harley Davidson in the early 1930's and has been assosciated with the whole biking culture ever since.
But seriously.... what compels a guy to wake up on a Sunday morning, get dressed ,swing his leg over his pride and joy and head out on d road? Is it the sense of getting away from it all ? Perhaps he enjoys d thrill of piloting a finely crafted machine ? The adrenaline rush you get from going fast inches from the tarmac risking smearing your skin and blood should you come off the bike ? ....
No for me the best thing about biking is that from the moment you sit astride your bike, the whole world's problems cease to exist...the sense of freedom and joy for life that fills you with every twist of the throttle. For everyone who has never experienced it ...try it...you mught like it... until you do ...please, dont knock it cause you will never get it.... Bikers share a sense of brotherhood... anyone who has ever ridden knows wat its all about...its like an inside joke.
For those that do get it...ride safe and ride strong ... i leave you with the words of Steppenwolf's Born to be Wild' classic rock song....
Recently the media was full on about how a 15 year old daughter killed her mother by gun shot and multiple knife wounds. Though shocked at d brutality with which the murder occurred it begged the question, 'Why ?'. Whatever the motive behind the crime it must have been something pretty serious for anyone, especially a 15yr old to even consider such a brutal murder.
Having said that, I think, given the right circumstances, everyone is a potential killer. Everyone is physically capable of ending an other man's life. What keeps us from killing everyone whom we disagree with or dont like is our ingrained sense of ethics and moral fibre. This is basically what seperates man from beast. However, put a man in a situation where normal society rules dont apply and he is reduced to his basic animalistic instinct. All animals have their own defence mechanism and each one will react when threatened. This is known as d 'Fight or flight' syndrome. A cornered animal is at his most dangerous as he has nowhere to run. The same with humans. Remove all options of 'Flight' and he will attack. He may even kill.
E.g. Would you not risk killing someone should he be threatening d life of a loved one ? Would you not attempt to stop anyone from killing you , even if that means ending his life in d process ? When i used to train Martial Arts i always went by two Mottos :
We teach you how to fight so you dont have to fight
It's better to be judged by 12 then carried by 6
The two mottos both represent two different approaches (there's Duality !) The first is teaching you self control and discipline and to always walk away from a fight (FLIGHT) and the second is telling you that should the first one not be an option, well, strike to kill, self preservation, better taking your chances with a jury then be killed (FIGHT)
Anyway... its something to think about...and also a good reaason why we should never judge anyone until we've walked a mile in that man's shoes.
He said, "Thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play.
Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today,
I got a lot to do." He said, "That's ok."
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed,
Said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah.
You know I'm gonna be like him."
Ok so i was driving home this evening from work after a hellish day at work and all of a sudden this song starts blaring out from the Landy's speakers. It was "Cats in the Cradle" by Ugly Kid Joe and though i had heard that song a million times today the lyrics really hit me and damn near brought a tear to my eye. For those of you whom have never heard d song its about this guy who was always working whilst his son was growing up and his son worshipped him, yet when he grew up he grew just like his dad and never had time for his dad cause he was always working.
So what? i hear you say ...well its just that when i was growing up my dad was chasing his career and we didnt see much of him as he'd leave before we got up and often get home late in d eve. I always used to think abt how come my daddy didnt come home at 5.00pm like all d other kid's daddies. I used to resent that but as i grew older and started working myself i realised and acknowledged all my dad has sacrificed for his family.
Now at 25 years of age i find myself chasing and trying to build up my career and its often me who's up before my dad and coming home later then him so its like i'm never there to spend time with him. Thats why the damn song really hit me today... its uncanny how similar to our story it was.
Thanks Dad for all u've done for me and d family ... I love you
10 days ago some heartless bastard ended d life of one of my closest companions.... yeah he was a dog but he was always happy to see me ....
He had been in d family for almost 15yrs ever since he was just a little pup... he had a very sheltered life always indoors being mollycoddled by all and sundry... his greatest joy in life was to lay on my dad's lap being fed peanuts whilst watching Man Utd games.... lol I guess my dad used to enjoy that ... at least he could watch footie with one of his 'boys'. Hehe
Mum was dopey on him, and i guess he reciprocated dat in his own doggie way....no matter what we tried to bribe him with she'd just have to call him and he'd come running to her.... guess he made it clear whom he belonged to ...
Me ? ... guess we had a love/hate realationship (there's dat duality thing again!) .... i loved him to bits yet i guess i tried too hard and smothered him...hehe ... my folks always thought i didnt love him but it was me who worried d most abt him, me who came between him and an alsation ...
he used to love choccy and would end up eating more then any of us if we shared a bar ...hehe except from me...i'd always try to make sure i'd gobble mine before he finished mum and dad's ... :P
anyway..... wanted to dedicate this post to you little one ....even if u never will see it.... you are sorely missed...i still keep listening out for the patter of ur little paws... and ache when i see ur little empty basket.... big tummy rub from me.... mum told u to be a good boy wherever u are...
Been meaning to start off my own blog as a place to write down my thoughts and ramblings for ages.....so here goes
I guess i'd beter start off describing myself a bit....
I'm a Gemini...and all my life has been governed by the duality in Nature which is inherent to people born under this Star e.g. Some people describe me as
rough and tough, yet others describe me as gentle and caring,
cold hearted yet warm and lovable,
impulsive, yet cautious
aggressive, yet restrained,
careless, yet thoughtful,
firm, yet malleable,
i like rock music, but also listen to love songs,
slow to react, but unstoppable once i do,
i love being single, yet am always on the lookout for the love of my life ;)
i could go on and on for hours but you still wouldnt know me.... i have many layers and only my true friends have started to scratch the surface of what i'm all about.
Anyway... watch this space.... i'll be posting in regularly... if u wanna get to know me , this will be a good place to start ;)
