The only time i feel alive is when i'm close to death...

Sometimes i wonder if its worth living at all.

My life lately has been revolving around my work. Whilst it is challenging it seems to be eating up a lot of my time, sapping my energy in d process. I'm spending more and more hours there at work which doesnt really leave me a lot of time to do anything else. My social life has become practically non existant, my recreation limited to d weekend runs on my bike or d one volleyball session i manage to cram in a week..... Having been a guy who used to enjoy being active in a whole lot of different activities on a weekly basis its starting to get to me this feeling of living only for work.

I feel as if i've fallen into a routine; a routine which has taken over my very existance and dat somehow i just cant break free. At times it feels as if i'm just existing ....and not living. I've had to sacrifice a lot to get to where i am now in life and looking back i often find myself asking ,"Is it worth it?" Is this realy wat i wanted ? To be so career focused that everything else becomes second rate ? Even possibly insignificant ? Giving up quality time with my family, giving up martial arts, giving up my friends, hell i even had to choose between someone i really cared about and my career ! I once read that its lonely on d way to the top....heck if thats true and i havent even really begun climbing the corporate ladder then i dont really wanna think about wats it like at d top !

D only time i'm fee;ling as if i'm alive is when i'm going flat out on my bike. My mate Nick said that though i'm a really good rider i've started taking unneccessary risks and perhaps am getting a bit too cocky on d bike. Whilst i trust his judgement seeing as he's one of d best riders on d island, i've started to think that perhaps d reason i am subconsciously taking all these risks is to get that adrenaline rush that only comes with laying ur life on d line. I know this may sound really foolhardy and idiotic....and it probably is but right now its d only thing dats getting my heart beatng faster. Hehe ..well that and a certain someone... someone who probably doesnt even realise d effect she has one me ;)

I dont want anyone reading this thinking i have a deathwish or something.... but its just that sometimes its dat little bit of excitement which keeps us going when everything seems so dark. Everyone has them ... these little vices they look forward to...like dat cigarette smoked in between coffee breaks, or the alcohol binge in d weekend....or d drugs injected in their bodies... Me ? i dont smoke, i dont drink, ...at least not toooo much ;), and i dont do drugs....

My addiction ? Its speed...and laying my life on d line ...its an addiction which shows no sign of abetting...

Gozo ....as i've never seen it before ;)

Last Wednesday i had the opportunity to go up to Gozo for a day with my mate Marco. We took the bikes up and since both of our bikes are trail bikes we stuck to country roads and B-roads. I must confess that i get completely lost as soon as i step off the ferry hehe but luckily Marco knew Gozo like the back of his hand and was able to show me a couple of sites i had never seen before. Wish i knew were they were though hehe but am sure i'd manage to find them again :)

The bikes performed brilliantly though it was a bit too windy for my taste. I've only been riding for around 6 months now and though am a fairly good rider there were a couple of sections i was pretty damn well scared shitless ! Anyway it was damn good to be out in the country, away from the hassle and stress of work. And to be doing it in the middle of the week made it even more satisfying !

All in all it was a very enjoyable day and very welcome it was to though it has made me restless and all week all i could think of was getting back on d bike ! :)

Tonight i wont be alone...that don't mean i'm not lonely.

To be alone is to be different, to be different is to be alone.

Suzanne Gordon, Lonely in America, 1976

Some people ask me how come i spend a lot of my time alone. The honest truth is that sometimes i prefer to be alone ....to spend time alone for me means that i have time to collect my thoughts, assess my life and plan ahead for my future....

I've spent a lot of my growing years locked up in my room reading and immersing myself in books so to me spending some quality time wit myself comes natural. Sometimes i used to live in my fantasy world.

Hehe though i must say that even though i'm a loner i do seek out and enjoy the company of others and i have a multitude of friends i turn to when i want to have a good time. (Duality in this too ! :) )

Broken wing syndrome

Ok, today's post is about an aspect of my nature my dad calls d "Broken-wing syndrome"...

He first coined this phrase after i had introduced yet another gf with a troubled background... hehe he even asked me when i would quit falling for the 'wrong' type of girls and find me a 'normal' girl.

Hehe ok guess i'd better explain myself a bit better.... almost all d girls i dated (bar a couple ! ;) ) all had a problem or other.... something which i felt i could help them with or at least i tried... e.g. one of them had a drug problem, one was mentally ill, one had low self esteem, another came from a broken family, another suffered from chronic depression, another was in a broken marriage...u get d picture ? ...somehow i dont know how i always end up attracting these kind of girls.... and d story is always d same.... we date... she starts to get better... i lose interest... story of my life.

Its as if i have a need to be 'needed' ...i need to help someone... help them get better... once they do i guess that need in me is no longer fulfilled and i move on to d next one... in a way i guess my dad was right.... i do need to start looking for a 'normal' girl but the thing is when i dated someone who didnt 'need' me .... i felt out of my league....inadequate.... like a part of me was missing... like somehow it wasnt what i was meant to be doing.... much as i tried and worked hard at d relationship it just fell apart....

i dont know if this is making sense or not.... guess not...but its something i never truly understood or talked to anyone about.... its just another crazy aspect of my nature i guess .... hehe and its not something i can control... hehe guess wat made me write this post is d fact that i can feel the familiar feeling again today .... somewhere out there there's a soul waiting to be protected and kept safe....at least till its wings are healed and it can soar again...

Update - 09-08-10

Its been a while since i updated this blog ...been too busy with new job (actually changed two jobs since my last post !! :) ) I thought i would make a comeback and update one of the most popular posts on my blog.

Ever since i wrote this post i've had numerous emails from all over the planet of people who have the same issue as me. During the past year i've had several other 'broken wings' present themselves at my door. I attract these people on a sub-conscious level. I could be in a crowd full of people and i'd end up attracted to the cute girl with a 'Broken wing' of some kind, some large, some small that always comes out days even weeks in the relationship.

Lately i've started to notice that i'm actively seeking these people up. This is where the problem starts getting serious. I've given up a chance with an altogether beautiful, healthy, intelligent red head in pursuit of yet another broken wing ! :( ...yep u guessed it ... i felt inadequate in the red head's prsence. I actually had her lying in my arms wanting to be kissed ...and i choked !!! :(

Anyway i guess what i'm trying to say is that this problem has grown a bit out of control and i need to do something about it ! ... i'm quit trying to take care of all the Broken wings ... i'm taking back control of my life and finding me someone who actually respects me for who i am, whom i can respect for whom she is and not for watever broken wings she may be hiding.

Thats all for now people ... i'll let you know how i get on ! :)

Take these broken wings

And learn to fly again, learn to live free

When we hear the voices sing

The book of love will open up and let us in

Take these broken wings...

....

Baby, I think tonight

We can take what is wrong and make it right

Baby, it's all I know

That you're half of the flesh and blood that makes me whole

I need you so, ohhhh...

MisterMister 1985

Live to ride, ride to Live....

Ok, that must be the most the over-used and corniest slogan ever to be assosciated with Bikers... It was adopted by Harley Davidson in the early 1930's and has been assosciated with the whole biking culture ever since.

But seriously.... what compels a guy to wake up on a Sunday morning, get dressed ,swing his leg over his pride and joy and head out on d road? Is it the sense of getting away from it all ? Perhaps he enjoys d thrill of piloting a finely crafted machine ? The adrenaline rush you get from going fast inches from the tarmac risking smearing your skin and blood should you come off the bike ? ....

No for me the best thing about biking is that from the moment you sit astride your bike, the whole world's problems cease to exist...the sense of freedom and joy for life that fills you with every twist of the throttle. For everyone who has never experienced it ...try it...you mught like it... until you do ...please, dont knock it cause you will never get it.... Bikers share a sense of brotherhood... anyone who has ever ridden knows wat its all about...its like an inside joke.

For those that do get it...ride safe and ride strong ... i leave you with the words of Steppenwolf's Born to be Wild' classic rock song....

Get your motor running

head out on the highway

.

Looking for adventure

in whatever comes ourway.

Peace out Bros...

Everyone's a Killer Baby....

Recently the media was full on about how a 15 year old daughter killed her mother by gun shot and multiple knife wounds. Though shocked at d brutality with which the murder occurred it begged the question, 'Why ?'. Whatever the motive behind the crime it must have been something pretty serious for anyone, especially a 15yr old to even consider such a brutal murder.

Having said that, I think, given the right circumstances, everyone is a potential killer. Everyone is physically capable of ending an other man's life. What keeps us from killing everyone whom we disagree with or dont like is our ingrained sense of ethics and moral fibre. This is basically what seperates man from beast. However, put a man in a situation where normal society rules dont apply and he is reduced to his basic animalistic instinct. All animals have their own defence mechanism and each one will react when threatened. This is known as d 'Fight or flight' syndrome. A cornered animal is at his most dangerous as he has nowhere to run. The same with humans. Remove all options of 'Flight' and he will attack. He may even kill.

E.g. Would you not risk killing someone should he be threatening d life of a loved one ? Would you not attempt to stop anyone from killing you , even if that means ending his life in d process ? When i used to train Martial Arts i always went by two Mottos :

We teach you how to fight so you dont have to fight

It's better to be judged by 12 then carried by 6

The two mottos both represent two different approaches (there's Duality !) The first is teaching you self control and discipline and to always walk away from a fight (FLIGHT) and the second is telling you that should the first one not be an option, well, strike to kill, self preservation, better taking your chances with a jury then be killed (FIGHT)

Anyway... its something to think about...and also a good reaason why we should never judge anyone until we've walked a mile in that man's shoes.

Peace

Cats in the Cradle ....

"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when,

But we'll get together then.

You know we'll have a good time then."

My son turned ten just the other day.

He said, "Thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play.

Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today,

I got a lot to do." He said, "That's ok."

And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed,

Said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah.

You know I'm gonna be like him."

Ok so i was driving home this evening from work after a hellish day at work and all of a sudden this song starts blaring out from the Landy's speakers. It was "Cats in the Cradle" by Ugly Kid Joe and though i had heard that song a million times today the lyrics really hit me and damn near brought a tear to my eye. For those of you whom have never heard d song its about this guy who was always working whilst his son was growing up and his son worshipped him, yet when he grew up he grew just like his dad and never had time for his dad cause he was always working.

So what? i hear you say ...well its just that when i was growing up my dad was chasing his career and we didnt see much of him as he'd leave before we got up and often get home late in d eve. I always used to think abt how come my daddy didnt come home at 5.00pm like all d other kid's daddies. I used to resent that but as i grew older and started working myself i realised and acknowledged all my dad has sacrificed for his family.

Now at 25 years of age i find myself chasing and trying to build up my career and its often me who's up before my dad and coming home later then him so its like i'm never there to spend time with him. Thats why the damn song really hit me today... its uncanny how similar to our story it was.

Thanks Dad for all u've done for me and d family ... I love you